Reflections of a Future Mother

It is because of you that I am scared to bring a son into this world. NO, children period. I fear they will be killed for absolutely no reason other than being black. People try to say that racism is dead, but it is NOT DEAD. It is very much alive and I am scared for my life and my future unborn children. I could write down all the names of the innocent black men and women who have been killed and wrongfully convicted, but still it would mean nothing. I am scared. Should I be scared for even writing this blog post? Am I allowed? Will you come after me too? Subtle racism is a problem but what is even more of a problem is how BLATANT racism is.

I look at my 19 year old brother who was born in the same year as Trayvon Martin and who slightly resembles him and I fear that he too can be a victim. And what is justice? This young boy’s life will NEVER be restored. Nor will the lives of Renisha Bride, Michael Brown and many many more who have been murdered. You tell us you are doing your job, but all I see is innocent men and women dying because of your hate and ignorance. Why do you hate us so? Is it your job to rid us from the world. Your badge doesn’t make you judge and jury. Protect and serve… what a joke. Who do you protect and who are you serving? Maybe I got it wrong, maybe it’s your job to serve bullets, but not on a tray, just in the hearts of black america.

It’s 2am and I have gone to walgreens with a stomachache to grab some gingerale. I’ve had a nice conversation with the cashier. I get into my car with two other cars in the parking lot. A white man sits in his car a few spaces away. I am on the phone with a friend and a cop has stopped behind by my vehicle not once or twice, but three times. I’m sure my plates have been run. I am livid. What have I done this time? What do I mean this time? i’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve committed no crime. Why am I second guessing myself? I have no record. I have an education. My parents are immigrants turned citizens who worked hard everyday for me to have a better life. I must tell my future children to not go out and play, because a police officer may come and attack them. “Stay in the backyard, never question authority, and always do as you are told.” “Because you are still a slave and you will never be seen as just a person, you will always be a Black person; someone to be hated, despised, feared, followed and killed. You can get killed and your murderer will walk free.”

Tears run down my face as I think of my future son. Should I even have kids? Can my future daughter knock on a neighbor’s door for help without fearing for her life? And will all her past mistakes be brought to light when they having nothing to do with her murder? Will you drag my daughter’s name through the mud throughout the trial? My God, I am scared for my life, and scared for my future children’s lives. Will my children be forced to fight ignorance with ignorance through riots because they don’t know any better? Will they forever be a part of the “system”?

I call my brother panting in worry. “Are you okay” I say. “Don’t drive too late, be careful, stay home, stay inside, FOR GOD’S SAKE PLEASE DON’T WALK OUTSIDE, I love you too much. I don’t want you to die.” I am scared for my life, for my brother, my sister, my son, my daughter, my mother, my father. I am scared.

God help us all

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