There was a time when all I wanted was love. I was addicted to love and being in love. The feeling of anticipation that occurred during countless hours on the phone or after hanging out and forgetting all of life’s problems. I craved a life partner. I needed love like I needed air. Without it I felt empty and every time a relationship failed, I felt empty and worthless. I accepted ill treatment from different guys in dating and relationships and I tried to make them love me, because I didn’t love myself. My worth was defined by their ability or inability to love me. How foolish I was to think that I needed their validation to be amazing.
For years I tried to force connections with people who I clearly didn’t connect with because you see we had to make it work because if it didn’t work then what was love really. I accepted half-assed effort, shit I accepted no effort and gave my all to men who didn’t even deserve me, but back then I didn’t know. I am growing. I am changing. While I still suffer from insecurities (I am a work in progress) I no longer chase love. After all those years of chasing I got tired and I got lost. I was chasing them, but no one was chasing me. I didn’t know who Leslie was and I really wanted to know her again.
If I said I now no longer want a relationship, I would be lying. I want a relationship when the time is right, but not just any kind of relationship. I want a real love, a love that is consistent, unconditional, spiritual, and authentic, and I will not accept anything less. I used to cry many nights wondering why this guy didn’t love me or why he wasn’t showing me effort. I overanalyzed everything and I thought that if I did this and that that he would finally put in as much as effort as me. A guy will put in effort for the girl he wants, so if he is not doing that he doesn’t want you. A guy not wanting you says nothing about your value. Sometimes there is a lack of connection and chemistry, sometimes you know you don’t connect but you want so desperately to do so that you try to force it. Sometimes he can’t love you because he doesn’t even love himself. And sometimes he is just a total douchebag. But no matter what the reason, know this, your value does not decrease because of someone’s inability to see your worth. You will lose yourself trying so hard to hold onto someone who doesn’t care about losing you.
After that relationship and a few others failed. I spent some time with God and myself. I realized that you do not need to chase a soul mate. I realized that God created me, and that meant that I was amazing and that anyone who couldn’t see that didn’t deserve me or was just not meant for me. I basked in my awkwardness and randomness. I fell in love with every inch of my body, acne scars and all and started focusing on my goals, and experiencing life. I craved God and I started working on my relationship with him and instead of filling that void in my heart with undeserving men, people or things I filled it with him. Everyday I am learning more and more on how to do this, but I feel more at peace. I missed the woman I used to be and so I started looking for her and chasing her. I spent alone time with her and learned just how fierce she is, lol. I took time to evaluate why I used to chase the wrongs things. I found love in God and in myself.
Now if I meet a guy and he starts distancing himself or treating me wrong, I simply walk away, because “ain’t nobody got time for that”. #Notimeforshenanigans. I rather be alone than date someone who doesn’t know my worth or who isn’t man enough to say how he truly feels. Often times we chase people or things to fill the voids in us instead of filling that void with true self-love. We feel ecstatic when he calls but feel empty and lost when he doesn’t. Stop chasing him and start chasing yourself. We must find validation in ourselves. Know that you are enough; you are so enough that it’s not even funny how enough you are. Some people won’t be able to embrace you; some people don’t even know how to love because they don’t even know how to love themselves. When you take the time to truly love yourself you will realize that not everyone will love you, and you won’t care. You will find out what you love and hate and create steadfast values and live in your truth. You will love yourself flaws and all and stop trying to get a man to do the same. The right man will come at the right time when you are not looking. The right man will love you just as you are and you won’t have to chase him; he will pursue you effortlessly. And then it will be your decision if you want to choose him back. Stop settling and stop chasing other people. You do NOT have to chase a soul mate. I kept searching for love in all the wrong places. And then I found God and myself and realized that love has been here this whole time.
17 thoughts on “I Stopped Chasing Him And Started Chasing Myself”
awesome read! Thanks for sharing, almost seems like yo rip a page from my own life! Love it! Keep writing to encourage and inspire! -The Blossom Butterfly
Girl, all I can say is I LOVE YOU. I am so blessed with what you said and learned a lot. Thank you and thanks God for this post.. I really need a lot of Woman101. God bless you.!
Thank you so much! I appreciate you reading!
You’re honest words touched my heart and soul, as I can relate to a need for validation.
Thanks for speaking out and sharing a part of your soul with such a large audience.
Be bold, beUtiful, be proud! Always love…❤️
Thank you so much! And thank you for reading. I appreciate your kind words and support.
Thank you so much for your ecperience amd wisdom. I’m almost 50 years old and still bumpping my head at times….time to stop for good, thanks for the inspiration.
No problem at all. Thank you so much for reading.
I really loved reading this post because I truly connected with your words, with my current situation this is exactly how I feel… I have low self esteem and it makes it easier for fboys and such to manipulate me into believing something that’s entirely false, yes it sucks even more finding out the guy who used to be consistent and so “into me”, and even told me after I confronted him many times if he did really like me, has shown his true colours and now it feels like has completely dropped me out of the blue without an ounce of explaination but I am glad I have learnt a lesson through this experience. Now I know what to watch out for, what I DO want in a partner for the future. Actions speak louder than words, this man promised me an empty dream– he made himself sound so convincing that he liked me but his actions never told me that, just his words. I do not want this to affect my self esteem but that low feeling that I got passed over for something better or that I wasn’t good enough are eating at my brain. I haven’t had much luck with men as it is, so this def blows… the one time I get a man acting as if he is pursuing me turns out to be a complete lie. It makes me feel unwanted for some reason, and undesirable. Why go to such an extent to lead me on and act as if you are so deeply in love with me when you can’t even show it. I gave this person many chances, and he took advantage of that everytime. It may be all fun and games to him, but it hurts my feelings because I feel as if I’m not worth being a gf or wife… just some girl that would be chosen as a fallback, an option b incase the one he truly wanted didn’t want him. THAT feeling sucks the most, and I already had shit self esteem before. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other women but sometimes I can’t help but feel a bit jealous knowing that they are being pursued and wanted and I’m just an option to pass the time because clearly I’m not good enough to actually want to spend some time on.
First I want to say thank you so much for taking the time out to read my post. The guy you mentioned sounds like a total douchebag and you deserve better. I am so sorry that he hurt you and that you went through that as I have been there so I can relate. One thing that I think is important to note is that you mentioned feeling like you are not worth being a wife or girlfriend or feeling unwanted. You cannot let a man validate your existence. That is the problem here. You are allowing this man to define who you are. You are beautiful inside and out and you are a Queen and you have to start believing this and acting like this. You won’t be able to attract high quality dudes who don’t waste your time until you start realizing how amazing you are and your worth. Never compare yourself to another woman. I believe that I am my only competition. I work on being a better me and that is it. Your worth does not diminish simply because of some doucebag’s inability to see it. Some guys are just players and they don’t deserve you. Also always believe actions, words are simply words. If a guy’s words do not line up with their actions then keep it moving. Do not give your time and energy to someone who is inconsistent, lies to you, and doesn’t embrace your inner Queen. I think you need to take some time to work on building your self-esteem and knowing your worth. This is my personal blog but I have a business/brand website that has evolved from this site that is all about Self-Love and i think it may be beneficial to you. My website is http://www.selfloveempowers.com Check out the website. There is also a free course on there and a community that you can join to help you on track. Feel free to connect with me on there or on social media @selfloveempowers (Again, Queen I have been where you are and I wasted a lot of time on guys who were not worth it and questioning my own worth, it is when I started realized just how beautiful I was, flaws and all that I stopped allowing lame dudes to waste my time or define my worth) You got this, it’s his loss and there is someone else way better out there who is going to appreciate all you have to offer, but first you must appreciate it. I hope this was helpful.
im bookmarking this, so that every time i want to call him i can read this first to stop myself.
YESSSS!!! You got this Queen. Thank you so much for reading. Be sure to check out my other website at http://www.selfloveempowers.com for more inspiration.
I stayed in a physically, emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for 3 years. I was even planning to marry him! It took a huge wake up call for me to realise that it was all so wrong. It’s been 2 months now and I’m far from healed. But working on loving myself first. Your article spoke to my heart I was always chasing him. Thank you.
Wow I am so sorry that you had to go through that but I am so glad that you are no longer with him. You deserve so much better and with time you will be fully healed. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog post.
This has touched me on soo many levels. Just what i needed. Its truely amazing and inspiring.
Thank you so much for reading! I am so glad that this resonated with you.
Hey, came across your article and you’re so on-point. I’ve met a guy now who is always behaving hot and cold. I should love myself more and just walk away. But each time I do so, my heart feels so pain.
This was such a helpful read and so much needed. Thank you